MzKitty :unscripted:

It is good to be home. I really do hope that this place will truly feel like home for me.
I went and cleaned up the other apartment today. Usually the last day at a place is very sad. I will find myself standing in each room, reflecting and remembering. I didn’t do that this time. I think that’s because I’ve been doing that for like a month, so my emotions today for the most part were pretty numb. I just wanted the work to be done so that I could relax. Now I am home and I feel the sadness creeping in. I wish so much that things could have worked out. But I think that being in the new place will help me. Whether I’m with her, someone else, or simply alone, I need a place to come to, where I can feel comfortable and not overwhelmed by the memories. To constantly dwell on what I’ve lost was doing nothing but hurting me even more. So, I’m going to do whatever I can to make this place mine, and work on every other part of my life.

I am so achy. As soon as I came home I changed into something more comfortable and plopped down on the bed. Once I got up to unpack some things I could barely walk. My legs are seriously aching big time. I’m trying to work on things as much as I can though, but it’s going to take me a while.

My living room is going to be  so bare for a long time.  I need to get quite a few things for it, but I’m not going to have the money til who knows when. I can’t wait til the place is totally set up. I wonder if I will actually start to have company. I wonder if she will ever want to come by. Ok I can’t focus on that anymore. If anything is ever meant to happen, it will, otherwise I have to focus on everything else, not that.

I’m just… rambling…. I’m kinda hungry… and thirsty… I have nothing to drink. I guess I will have to use my last few dollars and get some milk or something tomorrow. There’s no grocery stores around here, just gas stations and some sort of mini mart. I guess I could check that out and see if it has potential. I can’t til I have money to get the things that I need. I wish I had a hammer and nails. I want to hang up things but I can’t.

Eh I guess I’ve rambled enough for now. Yay for the move being done…

Moving is exhausting. I have less than a week. 6 days to be exact. Not even. It’s more like 5 now. I’m almost out of boxes. I have a few small ones and one big one. A lot of packing still needs to be done. I threw out a LOT of food. 3 bags of old things that have been sitting in cupboards and the fridge for a loooooooooong time. I have so much to do still but I am feeling tired. Physically and emotionally I am wiped out. Drained. But I’m doing my best to force myself to get things done. I wish I had a bunch more boxes tho. I’m getting nervous because I didn’t want to be stuck doing all this at the last minute. That’s what’s happening. I am going to have to work like a dog when I get home from work every day. When all of this is done I am going to drop for sure. I think I might have to take a mini vacation soon. I gotta find out how many vacation days I have. A day or two of unwinding time is much needed. I just gotta stick it out a bit longer. I will get a break soon.

A mixture of emotions

A web of reflection

Will my past filled with sadness

Become a future of rejection?

Happiness,sadness,cries with flooding tears

Hope and uncertainty linger through the years

Love, hate, deception, fate

Life, I’m learning

Yearning, I wait

To learn who I am

to grow into who I’m meant to be

To let go of my anger

To finally set my soul free

I cannot shake this exhausted lack of energy feeling. Usually on weekends lately I’m lucky if I sleep past 7:30. Today and yesterday I slept til almost 10 and both days I could’ve slept much longer. I feel like the energy has been sucked out of me. I’m trying to get packing done but it’s been hard. But when I actually feel up to getting some things done, there isn’t a whole lot that I can do right now.  Most of the things that need to be packed belong to Kris. Then there are things that we have to sort through, to decide who gets what. When it comes down to packing what is mine, there isn’t a lot. I could start packing my clothes I guess. Otherwise there isn’t a lot for me to do right now. I feel like there should be so much that I can get packed before the end of the weekend, yet I feel like I hit a dead end or something. I pack miscellaneous things here and there, but not enough to really make an impact. I could do a load of laundry, but there isn’t much to do so I’m going to save my quarters and do a bigger load next weekend.

I feel like I’m lacking something, and it’s made me feel rather shaky. I went and got a sub from the deli nearby. It took forever. Because of the loooooooooong wait I got a free cup of strawberries, and another one of watermelon. So I am going to have a treat after a while. I ate half of my sub (meatball) and am slowly kinda feeling a little bit more normal again. I still feel kinda off and tired tho. I feel disconnected from the world, and incomplete. I used to feel like I mattered to others but now it feels like it doesn’t matter what happens in my day to day life. I don’t really matter to anyone in the end. What I do isn’t noticed. I’m pretty much invisible. Easily forgettable. Not missable (new word) Not worthy of love and affection. Pretty much a waste of human space. That’s a sad feeling and I am going to try to shake it. Who wants to feel like that? Why do we let others affect how we feel about ourselves? Why does it hurt so much when things change unexpectedly? Will it truly ever get easier? Is there any hope left? Why am I going on about this…….

April has been one very long and crazy month. I’m happy to see it coming to an end. It seems like the months get crazier and emotionally harder. I really hope that May will change that, but I see May being a very stressful month. 30 days. In 30 days this apartment will no longer be my place of residence. It’s a very bittersweet feeling. In one direction I’m excited, anxious,and hopeful. In another I’m scared and nervous. Will I be able to pull this off? Can I make it on my own financially? Then in another direction I feel very sad. I miss living with her. Life has felt so off ever since she first started going away. I think everything began to change in November of last year when she hurt her back. Days of her being in the hospital, me being at home w/o her. Missing her and worrying about her. Happy to have her home, sad when she’d leave again to go to Colorado. Happiness returns because she was back. Home felt like home again. Things felt complete. Then it was time for her surgery and she was gone again. But then she was back, then gone, back and gone for good. It never got easier, I just got used to it . But I never really liked it. I like our homelife when we aren’t fighting. I liked coming home and fixing dinner for us, watching tv together, falling asleep together. I miss waking up and going to work each morning, together. I miss emailing and texting back and forth, constantly being connected to each other. I miss going shopping for groceries and other random things. I wish things could have worked out. It’s so hard on me sometimes because I am focused, as much as I can be, on being independent and living alone. It’s just strange sometimes. I can’t believe in a month I won’t be in this livingroom. I’ll be in a new livingroom. New surroundings. She won’t be there. I miss her so much. Sometimes I don’t. Sometimes I feel like this is good for us. But sometimes I’m downright sad because we aren’t really an us anymore. We are two people who are following our own paths in life now, but still connected…somehow. If it’s meant to work out then we’ll work through the hard issues, and find our way back to who we were meant to be, but right now life feels like a maze. I keep trying to choose the right direction, but sometimes I hit a wall, I have to turn around, and try again. I don’t want to be so dependent on another person. I want to know that I can survive on my own. But I will admit. I miss the companionship. I miss the relationship. I miss the friendship too. I miss her. That is all.