MzKitty :unscripted:

April has been one very long and crazy month. I’m happy to see it coming to an end. It seems like the months get crazier and emotionally harder. I really hope that May will change that, but I see May being a very stressful month. 30 days. In 30 days this apartment will no longer be my place of residence. It’s a very bittersweet feeling. In one direction I’m excited, anxious,and hopeful. In another I’m scared and nervous. Will I be able to pull this off? Can I make it on my own financially? Then in another direction I feel very sad. I miss living with her. Life has felt so off ever since she first started going away. I think everything began to change in November of last year when she hurt her back. Days of her being in the hospital, me being at home w/o her. Missing her and worrying about her. Happy to have her home, sad when she’d leave again to go to Colorado. Happiness returns because she was back. Home felt like home again. Things felt complete. Then it was time for her surgery and she was gone again. But then she was back, then gone, back and gone for good. It never got easier, I just got used to it . But I never really liked it. I like our homelife when we aren’t fighting. I liked coming home and fixing dinner for us, watching tv together, falling asleep together. I miss waking up and going to work each morning, together. I miss emailing and texting back and forth, constantly being connected to each other. I miss going shopping for groceries and other random things. I wish things could have worked out. It’s so hard on me sometimes because I am focused, as much as I can be, on being independent and living alone. It’s just strange sometimes. I can’t believe in a month I won’t be in this livingroom. I’ll be in a new livingroom. New surroundings. She won’t be there. I miss her so much. Sometimes I don’t. Sometimes I feel like this is good for us. But sometimes I’m downright sad because we aren’t really an us anymore. We are two people who are following our own paths in life now, but still connected…somehow. If it’s meant to work out then we’ll work through the hard issues, and find our way back to who we were meant to be, but right now life feels like a maze. I keep trying to choose the right direction, but sometimes I hit a wall, I have to turn around, and try again. I don’t want to be so dependent on another person. I want to know that I can survive on my own. But I will admit. I miss the companionship. I miss the relationship. I miss the friendship too. I miss her. That is all.

Ok so things are going to be a little weird regarding my site and livejournal right now. I installed a plugin that lets me crosspost so that I don’t neglect the domain anymore. I have to work on codes to get the link on my header to go away, but I’m not fooling with that tonight. I’m gonna make a new layout tomorrow or sometime. Meanwhile…. posts go to the site and livejournal from here on out. Unless I decide to make an uber privy entry, which would go strictly to lj only.

Yep another test

Just a test post for livejournal.

So… the lovely Kristie tagged me! The subject is “Why I blog”

Ok.. why do I blog? It’s quite simple… I used to journal in paper form a lot. I did ever since I was very young. I wrote about everything, but as I got older, writing actually started to become painful. I can’t write for long w/o horrible pain and my fingers do this weird thing where the bone from one overlaps the other.I can’t explain it but trust me. It’s not fun. And my fingers clench up tightly too so it’s like I’m holding onto the pen as tight as I can. It’s annoying. I gotta get my hand and wrist looked at soon….

Meanwhile why do I blog for real? because it’s my outlet. I have blogged about everything and nothing. I like to just let my fingers flow regardless of the content. Whether it’s a silly thing, a totally random thing, or something digging into my heart. I find great release from blogging. Sometimes it hurts the one that I love. Some people choose to only blog about “good” or light hearted things but I kinda cut to the core and blog about everything. I don’t intend on hurting others but… this being my outlet, it helps me. So to end this.. I blog because…. it heals me little by little.. It sets me free….

I have no clue who hasn’t been tagged so… if you haven’t… get going!