MzKitty :unscripted:

Four hours til my Love is back in San Diego. She’s in a plane up in the sky right now!! Oh-Em-Gee I think I survived the very long week. Yay! I fixed myself a milkshake, because I’m driving myself crazy and needed a treat. MmMmMm chocolate shake. I think I’m obsessed with time tho, I keep looking, yep it’s only 4:15. It’s not 8:10 yet. Damn, I say damn!

I wish I was doing good. I wish I wasn’t having such a hard time with this week. I know it’s easy for me to fall into the negative, and dwell on that. But I am miserable. I have tried to take advantage of the time I have to myself, but truthfully I don’t like it. I come home from work, take care of the cats, and then I just go on the computer to distract myself. I take my sleeping pills earlier hoping that I’d just get tired. Instead I just feel spaced out and can’t sleep.  I have no appetite. So, I haven’t been cooking anything. Sheesh, you’d think we broke up or something. I can’t shake the way that I feel no matter what I do. At least it is Wednesday. Half way through the week. I didn’t go to work today because my ears were clogged up and making me horribly off balance. Doing a bit better, but I’m regretting missing the day now. I hate calling in sick anyway. I always put myself through a major guilt trip later on. I have been putting the day to good use tho, getting cleaning done. The only things I really need to get done are, vaccuming, mopping, cleaning the bathroom, and cleaning out the fridge. I think I’ll do that on the weekend so that Kris can come home to a freshly cleaned apartment. I will do laundry too. Well some of it. There isn’t much to do tho. 2 loads so far, and most of the stuff isn’t really needed right now.

I need to feel happy and I need to stop being an immature mess about this. It’s good to be alone for a while. It’s just not really for me. I cannot wait to have a movie snuggle night again…. I truly hope that this trip will strengthen us. I don’t want to fight, I don’t want to clash anymore. I want her home……… *sigh*

I’ve got to get stuff done, and I need distractions. I’m going crazy already, missing her so much.

Goals for today

Take out trash

Wash dishes

Clean out fridge

Put food in very loud and growly tummy! lol

I’m so ready for the work week to be done. It’s only 9:20am. 4:30 seems very very very far away. I haven’t bothered with posting much because I haven’t been in the best mood to. The last couple of days have left me in a mixture of moods. Kris called my workline the other day to ask me if I’d be ok with her going to Colorado. Her brother is graduating, and she wants to see her niece and nephew before her surgery, so she’s flying up there with her mother. This question caught me completely off guard because I was at work, and I wasn’t expecting her to suddenly be flying off somewhere. How could I say no tho?

I was an emotional mess when I left work, the day that she asked me, I was upset because of getting asked at work, when my mindset is on nothing but work, so I had to force myself to answer quickly, tho I would’ve said yes anyway.

I wasn’t too upset about the financial aspect, altho it’s a lot of money that is gone just like that, but I was really bummed because she’s leaving for a week. I don’t really have much family left, her and her mother are all I have at this point, and to know that my family is leaving for a week (and a day) is heartbreaking. But how could I ever say no? It’s a lonely feeling already, and I don’t know how I’m going to feel when I say the goodbyes tomorrow night, but I am a pathetic mess who has never lived alone. I’ve always lived with a significant other. I’ve spent nights alone, but I still have a hard time with that. So I’m going to try to keep myself as occupied as possible.  While she’s gone I will maybe fix dinners that she normally wouldn’t like. I’ll spend the majority of the time cleaning. Which isn’t exactly fun, but it has to be done and I’m going to have the time so….. besides, I want her to come home to a nice apartment. Not the slum we’ve been living in. I will try to find something half way entertaining to do at some point throughout the week, otherwise it’ll just be another busy work week for me. I will try to focus on the good that can come out of this, even tho it’s easier to focus on the bad. We’ve been fighting a lot lately, hopefully her being away will help us when she returns. I hate clashing so much. We both agree, when we are good we’re amazing, when we’re bad, watch out! It’s bad and is very hard. A week w/o her will mean no fighting, but it will be a very lonely week. I will come home to a quiet and dark apartment, she won’t be there waiting for me. The cats will be there, and her cat too,I hope he doesn’t meow like he did last time….he makes it loudly known that he is unhappy when we take him out of his home. THAT will be interesting, and I get to give him medicine 2x’s/day too. Wish me luck lol. Actually he’s easy to give meds too, as I found out last weekend.

Kris and her mother will be running arrands tomorrow, she wants me to go so I said I would. A part of me doesn’t want to, wants to get the goodbyes and everything over with, but I did say that I would go. We were gonna be going out to eat but that’s not happening now. That kinda bummed me out because I was looking forward to it, but it’s understandable. I will be doing a lot of cooking for 1, unless I decide to skip dinner. Perhaps I’ll fix a halfway decent meal tomorrow night. I need to go grocery shopping, we have enough to get me by, but I would like some different things too, It’s only 9:40. Could this day drag any slower? Sometimes I dread going home, because at home we fight, but sometimes I don’t want to be anywhere else but home. See…. I’m very scattered, it has been safer to NOT make any blog entries. It seems like when I do speak my feelings, they get taken in defensive ways and create problems. So it’s best to keep quiet, but I can’t do that either because then I let it build up, explode, and create even more problems. I wish I wasn’t this way. It would make life a lot easier for her. And for us.

I have to make the best of my time next week and not focus on the lonely aspect of it. At least I have a job and won’t be in the apartment alone alllllllllllll day long as well as all night long, work is my outting and my “vacation” away from the loneliness and problems.

Anyway…………… I hope I didn’t come across bitter or negative about anything. I’m not trying to.  I really am happy that she gets to go. But I miss her already…..

And that’s my life at the moment..

I have NOTHING to post about anymore. I’m a snoooooooooooooozer. Haven’t wanted to post actual entries because they would probably just come off really negative…..